Commando

Publisher: Capcom
Released: 1986

I sometimes forget how much fun it is to run up while mashing A. I mean, from a certain point of view, it's the most basic form of interaction with video games. Commando really does this nicely, and returning to it after probably 3 or 4 years, I'm really happy with it.

So, what's there to say? You've played Commando, for sure, I mean, if you've played anything -- it's probably in the top 10 or 15 most popular NES games in my made up mental inventory of whose house I saw it at as a teenager. You're this guy, you get dropped off by a helicopter, and you need, very badly, to get up. Or north. Or wherever. The point is, run and shoot, and don't stop until your thumb falls off.

Commando is a lot of fun. It's simple, it's manic, it's got a little bit of variety in environment and the fact that there's a grenade, and the music is pretty good. And when you beat a stage, they show you smoking, so you can tell you're cool. There are these prisoners you free by touching them, and there are hidden basements that you can only find if you grenade them. It's got a lot going on for a really simple, really early NES game.

Tech wise, there are 3 things to know about Commando. First off, and god bless the developers for this, there are, most of the time, more guys on the screen than your NES can draw. So you get a lot of ghosts and flickering guys who are hard to see. That's what we in the business call accidental fun. Second, everything moves independent of the scenery -- that is, if you throw a grenade, and you want it to land ahead of where it should, you running forward will cause the ground to scroll underneath it. Neat trick. And third, you get stuck on rocks and stuff a lot. This annoyed Laura, but from where I sit, it's that accidental fun again.

Commando is really good. It's fun, it's classic, and it's quirky, which is what you look for. Your thumb is going to hurt like you wouldn't believe. Mine was actually sore two days later. It's that good, and that terrible.

Rating: 8/10
Advice: Shoot. And maybe take some aspirin before you start.
Best Moment: Freeing the prisoners. The first thing they do with their freedom? Run to the right holding a sign reading "$1000" over their heads. That's what I'd do, too.

Clu Clu Land

Developer: Nintendo
Year: 1985

Clu Clu Land is another one of those really early 1st party NES titles that usually turn out to lack depth but be completely addictive. It's impressive how many of those there turn out to be, how much Nintendo got right immediately out of the gate.

If you played Chu Chu Rocket on the Dreamcast (and I assume you did), you'll find that this game feels sort of similar. In Clu Clu Land, you literally bounce around a screen and change direction by sticking your arm out and grabbing a post, which are arranged in a grid around the board. The object is to move over certain parts of the screen that draw a picture, though you don't know before-hand what that picture is going to be.

It's manic, and it's simple, and there's co-op, and it's fun and addictive. What more do you want?

Rating: 7/10 Not a lot of depth, but that's OK.
Advice: Get used to the fact that if you're going down, and you want to go up, you need to press right or left.
Trivia: When I was dating Daisy Klingman, we all used to annoy her by asking her if she'd ever seen the movie Cru Cru. This game made me think of that. Wow. That was annoying.

The cool thing to do

The cool thing to do would be to ignore the 4 months in between posts here, but that's not really how i roll. Truth be told, you can chalk it up to my career change -- my first interview at LL Bean was 3 days after that last post, and things really snowballed from there.

Anyway, we really enjoy doing this, and we're starting back up, effective about four days ago. Now, where were we....

Castelian

Year: 1987
Developer: Triffix

Castelian is a puzzle game, and it's a pretty clever one. Basically, you're this orange or blue poop with legs, and you have to walk around this tower, making your way up by way of elevators and dodging enemies, until you reach the top. Along the way, you can shoot, you can jump, and you can go in and out of doors that take you 1/2 way around the tower. It's a nice idea.

It even looks pretty good. As you walk, rather than moving around the screen, the tower is actually drawn as rotating behind you as your poop man stays more or less stationary. The result is a pretty cool 'world revolving around my point of view' feeling that works pretty well.

Unfortunately, Castelian controls like crap. I mean, honestly, crap. I'm pretty forgiving, but the 90th time i fell into a hole or got hit by an enemy i was sure was out of range, I started to get really pissed. I was cursing a lot, and Laura was getting uncomfortable. Everything was bullshit. I felt a lot like Mike did that time in 8th grade that he threw his controller and spit on his TV while we were playing Castlevania 2. Eventually, I stormed out of the room.

So, there you go: interesting premise, simple layout, cool graphics, all ruined by shite control. Oh, and there was a time limit. And it was short. We played probably 40 times each, and neither one of us could finish the first level, on novice, within the time limit. I mean, really -- that's some bullshit. And it's a shame, because I think that if you tightened up the controls and added 50 % to the time limit, this might have been a really great game.

But they didn't, so it's not.

Rating 4/10 There's something here, but it mostly just pissed me off.
Best Moment The 30th time that the level started, and we just took 3 steps to the right and died. Exxxxxxcellent.
Advice Try the PC version? Honestly, there's a good version of this game. This just isn't it.

Captain Skyhawk

Year: 1990
Developer: Rare

Captain Skyhawk is our second really pleasant surprise in a row. It's your basic space shooter, except with a bunch of really cool twists.

First of all, Rare has succeeded in simulating a 3-d environment really well -- it feels like you're moving in both the x and the y as you zoom forward. Second, there are a couple of interesting mini-games thrown in -- one that's essentially an airplane shooter from behind, and another that's about docking with a space station that's really slow, twitchy, and nerve-wracking. And on top of it all, there's some real variety in the graphical presentation that makes the whole thing feel really nice.

On the down-side, as with Cabal, it took us a few plays to figure out what the hell was going on, and even when we did, the main stage was super twitchy -- we slammed into a lot of walls. Also, the boss fights were sort of anti-climactic, given the difficulty of getting to them.

Overall, though, once we got this down, we passed the controller back and forth for well past the 20 minutes we'd planned on playing. Captain Skyhawk has some real personality, and there are a bunch of different things to like about it. This is still pretty early for Rare -- I know that RC ProAm was before this, but we're still 3 or 4 years from when they hit their stride. But it's a really good game, and probably missed being really famous only as a result of the NES being near the end of its life.

Rating: 9/10 Lots and lots of fun, period.
Advice: Keep moving. This is how games used to be, and you forget that, and you shouldn't. Keep fucking moving.
Best Moment: Docking. Finally. On my 15th try.

Cabal

Year: 1990
Developer: Fabtek

Now, this is interesting. Cabal is a genuine 3rd person shooter, with a pretty cool targeting system -- not a mechanic that did really well on the NES, and it actually does really well here. You run with the cross, but when you hold down b, you stop and you're moving a crosshair that directs your shooting. The net result is that you have to make a choice about whether you're going to shoot or run, and the balance is pretty nice, brings some strategy to an otherwise straightforward idea.

Controls were nice, graphics were OK -- nothing special, but given the amount of action on the screen at once (lots) you don't really notice that much. There's a nice mechanic in that you start the level with several walls to hide behind, but these gradually get destroyed, and you have to start running and gunning alternately to stay alive.

I guess the only complaint that I really have, aside from the difficulty, which is more a whine than an actual complaint, is that your progress is measured in a body count. This is way less cool than having an actual objective, and also sort of gross. Other than this, though Cabal was sort of a pleasant surprise -- it took about 10 minutes to figure out, but once we got the run-shoot mechanic, we really liked it.

Rating: 8/10 A really interesting take on the weave back and forth and shoot genre.
Advice: Don't waste your time with grenades. Shoot, shoot, shoot.
Best Moment: The creepy hoe-down walk you do when you clear a level. Sort of, sort of gross.

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Year: 1990
Developer: Sony Imagesoft

Should be called Shit Stoker's Shitula. Oh, or maybe Dr. Entirely Unremarkable's Jumping Chore with Digital Screech Feature.

Rating: Shit/Shit
Advice: Play a game that's good, or bad. This one is shit.
Best Moment: Aaaaand, we're moving on.

Boy and His Blob

Year: 1989
Developer: Activision

This one, strictly speaking, is out of alphabetical order: it's really called 'David Crane's A Boy and His Blob'. David Crane, apparently, coded Pitfall, and is a dork. Or was a dork. Wait here, I'll go Wikipedia him.

No, he's still a dork. I just emailed his company, which apparently makes web games for ESPN, so, props for just staying in the business for like 30 years. I'll let you know what I hear.

Anyway, DCABaHB is part platformer, part adventure game. You're this boy, and you have this blob. I know this, because this is one of the games for which I have the instructions. Anyway, your blob, which is from Blobolonia, turns into different things when you give him different flavored jellybeans. Like, if you feed him lemon, he turns into a ladder. Not really, but that's the idea. I forget how you make a ladder.

The controls are a little clunky, for sure -- it's a game that doesn't do adventure or platformer perfectly, though the mix of the two is nice. It's also not particularly easy on the eyes, though the animation of the blob has some personality. And the instruction manual features a section called, "More About the Amazing Jellybean", and I'm not going to read it until I'm older and life has lost all of its spark and I need something new just to make it worthwhile to get out of bed. I bet it's going to be awesome.

Rating: 6/10 Like I said, controls are meh, but it's a good idea.
Advice: The blob hates ketchup jellybeans. And I think his name is actually Blob.
Best Moment: Oh, I don't know.

Blaster Master

Developer: Sunsoft
Year: 1988

Blaster Master has always been one of my favorite games on the NES, even though i never played it all that much way back when, and it really holds up well on replay. I never finished it, and I haven't put it back on the shelf after playing yesterday, so maybe I'll finally get around to it.

Everything about Blaster Master is a success. It's a side-scroller in a big tank thing at points, but then you can get out of the tank and run around, at which point it becomes a really convincing Zelda-style top-down adventure -- except with better graphics. The play is awesome -- feels great, at all stages. And you get so much here, there's so much depth, that in the end I wound up comparing it to nothing so much as Metroid, except with more variety. You kill a boss, gain new powers, and open new areas, and it works really well.

I'm not going to belabor this. Blaster Master is great, and unique in the extent to which is mixes gameplay styles. In fact, new decision: I'm going to finish Blaster Master. There. That's my review.

Rating: 10/10 Tough to give anything a 10, but if it's not for BM, I'm not sure what it's for.
Advice: The most dangerous foe in the game seems to be the grass in the first 20 second of play.
Best Moment: The first time you get out of your tank and start running around. You're very tiny.

Blades of Steel

Developer: Konami
Year: 1988

Blades of Steel is a great game. It's as good as I remember, and please keep in mind that I hate hockey, like, really, really hate it. Blades of Steel is fun and accessible, but offers some hints at depth. It's the kind of game that balances skill with dumb luck and NES stupidness so well that it's hard not to find something you like.

Laura and I played one complete game -- I forget who she took, but I took NY. I don't know that it matters. The controls come back immediately -- shoot, pass, switch to the nearest guy, and the little arrow in goal that you have to stand on to make saves. Blades of Steel feels really good -- when you want to do something, it's easy to make your guy do it, and when the ice fights back and you slip around, it feels like it's your fault for not anticipating.

The little touches are excellent -- there's a little bit of voice, which is rare, and the player animations are varied enough. The halftime show is this great Konami shooter (Gradius?) played on the arena scoreboard, along with an ad for a couple of other Konami games. Can anyone verify whether this is the first in-game product placement?

Of course, there's also fighting in Blades, which is awesome, because the loser goes to the penalty box. The NHL could learn a real lesson here, if it still existed.

So, go play Blades of Steel. It does just about everything right. The only thing wrong with it is that it's a hockey game, and it really succeeds anyway. It's also available on Virtual Console, so if you have a Wii, you don't even have to drag your NES out.

Rating: 8/10 I'd play it again, right now.
Advice: Be player 1. It seems like it doesn't matter, but they get to play Gradius after 2nd period.
Best Moment: Explaining the fight mini-game to laura, and then getting my ass kicked.

Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout

Developer: Kemco
Year: 1990

BBBB is a straight Super Mario Brothers clone, right down to the sound effects, level layouts, and gameplay functionality, so it's probably more informative to talk about how it differs from SMB than to try and describe it.

• There's a plot -- you're trying to get to your birthday party, but all of you friends have gotten jealous and are trying to keep you from going. Maybe they could have just, you know, not gone?
  
• The music sucks.
• The control sucks.
• There's horrible framerate issues when there's more than 4 sprites on the screen -- Bugs blinks a lot.
  
• You can't jump on enemies, you can only whomp them with a mallet.
  
• The character models are undetailed and also have clipping problems -- they aren't where they look like they are.
• Your main enemies are a box of soap, a walking mallet, and an orange blob.
• Where in SMB there were pipes containing flowers that bite you, in BBBB there are holes containing meatballs that float up and down.
• When you kill something, it doesn't make any noise. None. It just falls off the screen.
• When you smash a brick, it turns into the Warner Brothers logo.
• At the end of the first level you fight Daffy Duck by climbing on bricks to grab a carrot. Just like in the cartoon!

In all, BBBB is a perfect example of why we've come to avoid licensed games. It's about fucking Bugs Bunny, and it has no character and is no fun. Way to go, Kemco.

Also, this is about our 10th shitty game in a row. Blades of Steel is next, though, so I'm going to take out my frustration on Laura by beating the crap out of her in the fighting mini-game.

Rating: 2/10 Bad platformers are extra bad because of how good good platformers are.
Advice: Wait for the meatball to subside, then jump in the tube.
Best Moment: When you lose, Bugs makes a sad face, and it's sort of like, at least you're suffering, too, Bugs.

The Black Bass

Developer: Hot B
Year: 1989

I guess the question is, "What part of my hatred for this game is actually the fact that I hate fishing, and what part is the fact that the game itself sucks?" And the answer, when you think about it, is, "Stop it. Shut up. Black Bass is a piece of crap, and I refuse to get stuck in some discussion about what it means for a game to suck over this garbage."

So, yeah. The Black Bass is bad. You won't like it. The graphics are terrible -- I mean, we're talking about SMB3 era, and the majority of the time your screen will be filled with nothing but this light blue and a featureless blob on a string. The noises, I mean, that's what they are -- noises. There's no music (except at the title screen, where the song is actually pretty good).

And the gameplay? I mean, have you ever played Waiting for the Bus that Might Not Come for the Sega Saturn? No, you haven't, because that's a shitty premise for a game, but it's exactly how you play Black Bass. Except you can sometimes make a black blob show up, or not, by wiggling, or not wiggling, your lure back and forth or up and down, and then it will swim away, except when it doesn't, and there's no way to guess when or if any of this stupid crap will happen, and the best part is that WHO CARES, YOU JUST CAUGHT A STUPID FISH. Go to hell.

Rating: 2/10 Phoenix Wright made me like lawyering. Black Bass sucks at fishing-like-making.
Best Moment: The song is really, genuinely good.
Advice: Don't use the silver pencil lure. It doesn't work. I don't know if the other lures work, and I don't care. But stay away from the silver pencil.

Adventures of Dino Riki

Developer: Hudson Soft
Year: 1987

The Adventures of Dino Riki is brutal. Like, not good brutal. Like, holy crap, how am I supposed to not die here brutal. I mean, we played this game for like 20 minutes, and managed to fit about 40 games into that period. Holy crap.

So, Dino Riki is an overhead shooter, like Commando. The controls are fine, but it really goes from 0 to 5 million in about the first 15 seconds. There are powerups all over the place, but they really don't help that much, and there are hundreds of enemies, and they all move at the speed of light and a lot of them are indestructible. So if you like games that you can't possibly win and that actually aren't much fun, maybe you should try Dino Riki. But maybe not. Who cares?

The crappest thing about Dino Riki is that the things you pick up to get boosts block your bullets. So on the one hand, you want to shoot them to get the boost, but on the other, you know that they're essentially then going to serve as shields behind which your enemies can hide just before they move at some super hyper speed to kill you with their shittiness.

In closing, I mean, there's a certain type of person who'll really like Dino Riki, and this is the kind of person who learns to play Buckethead at incredibly stupid speed on Guitar Hero, and I hate them. I hate them, and I hate Dino Riki.

Rating: 1/10 If you can't play a game for more than 20 seconds, that game sucks. Best Moment: When it starts raining really fast orange invincible crap. Advice: Play it once, imagine playing the exact same 40 second game 20 times, and get back to playing something decent.

Bible Adventures

Developer: Wisdom Tree
Year: 1991

I'm not going to lie: I like the Bible. I think it's all made up, and I think that if you try to live by it, you're an idiot, but I like the stories. Always have.

That said, I was fully expecting Bible Adventures to be a real piece of crap. Everything religious that's not supposed to be religious is crap. Christian rock is like regular rock, except it doesn't rock, and it sucks. There's a restaurant on 72d street in Manhattan that serves kosher italian food, which is stupid because italian food is defined by parmesean and pork sausage. And then there's that PLO sponsored Mickey Mouse knockoff that tells you to kill jews.

So I was really pleasantly surprised to find that Bible Adventures is actually pretty good. I mean, not awesome, but good enough that we didn't mind playing it, and actually sort of got in to certain aspects of it.

Bible Adventures is actually three games: one where you rescue baby moses, one where you're noah collecting animals, and on where you're david doing something about goliath, though i don't know what. The moses game was OK -- basically, it's an evade-or-mash side-scroller. The david was sort of weak -- basically the same, though the overall mission wasn't clear. And the noah was really pretty good -- you have to get two of every animal, and there are things to lure them with, and you carry them into the ark.

The best thing about the game is that you power up by getting these little commandment tablets that stop the game to give you either
a) a relevant bible verse, or
b) a gameplay tip.
It's a great touch, and really funny because you don't know whether you're going to get some profound passage about virtue and sacrifice or told that tapping b while running will help you catch up to a wayward goat.

All in all, Bible Adventures was a not-half-bad mission-based scroller. I feel sort of dumb about this, and I wonder if somewhere, there's not a Christian hip hop band that i might enjoy if I managed to ignore the fact that all the songs have replaced 'my gangtas' with 'my jesus'.

Rating: 7/10 I mean, whatever. If Jesus were Metroid, he'd play this game. Or something.
Best Moment: Hey, where's the ark? Oh, that's right, under the flashing neon arrow.
Advice: There's nothing in the cave. I have no idea why it's there.

Battle Chess

Developer: Interplay
Year: 1990

This game is crap and doesn't deserve more than a 75 word review, and I've already used 19. It's chess. But the computer is stupid. And the animations suck, and are slow as shit. You'll want to die. And it's only one player. Looks like a turd. A stupid, shitty turd.

Fuck it.

Rating: 2/10 Stupid piece of crap chess, but slower.
Best Moment: Can't believe shittiness, claw eyes.
Advice: Die.