Bad Dudes

Year: 1989
Developer: Data East

Let me begin by stating the obvious: there is no better premise for a video game, anywhere, ever, than Bad Dudes. I first played it 20 years ago, and it immediately stuck with me, forever. I'll be 92 and senile, and all I'll be able to say to my kid before I pass on will be,

"The president has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?"

You know? Oh, your ship crashlanded on a ring world while fighting against the Covenant? Yawn. You have part of the TriForce, and bla bla bla shut up. Your princess is in another castle, yeah, well, best of luck with that. Because the president has been kidnapped by ninjas, and it's on, y'all.

First, you decide whether to play as Blade or Striker, and the only difference is that Blade is gay. They don't make a big deal out of this, he's still a bad dude, but he's gay. I don't judge him, I'm just reporting the facts.

Then, you fight the shit out of ninjas, all day. There are blue ninjas, who are pussies, and grey ninjas, who if you know about japanese history you know are famous for throwing shit at you. Then, there are the red enemies, who contain soda that cures you, or nunchucks. There's a big fat boss on the first level, then the second level is all on a moving truck, and you fight a guy who's actually many ninjas, which is awesome. I got through the first two levels, and it felt pretty good -- jumping and punching work like you think they should, and the animations are varied enough that it's not stupid.

So, I guess the question is, what more can you reasonably ask for? It's not amazing, but you're fighting ninjas and it's sort of fun. If there were a mathematical way to take the average of all 750 NES games, it would probably look a lot like Bad Dudes, and that wouldn't be a terrible thing. If I have a criticism of Bad Dudes, it's that there's really no way that the game could possibly live up to its premise. It's just too good. If I had a tattoo, it would say, "Ninjas have kidnapped the president." And I would tell people it was there to remind me of what kind of Dude I should try to be.

Rating: 8/10 I am not a Bad enough Dude to rescue the president, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a ninja for?
Advice: Punch like crazy, at all times, everywhere, in all directions. I mean, why not?
Best Moment: As mentioned above, Bad Dude peaks in the first 10 seconds.