Back to the Future and Back to the Future II and III

Year: 1985, 1990
Developer: LJN

I'm going to review both of these at once because I'm kind of getting behind in my blogging, and what the hell do you care, anyway? It's not like you're going to go on eBay, hunt down Back the Future and Back to the Future 2 & 3, buy them, play them, and then want to talk about them, anyway. What kind of idiot would get involved in something like that?

So, Back to the Future is the better game. It's essentially a PaperBoy clone, right down to the isometric map showing your destination, but that's largely a good thing. The times when it stops being PaperBoy are the times that it starts sucking. Basically, you're running all around Hill Valley, throwing bowling balls at hula dancers and being chased by bees. Describing it now, I guess this part is sort of a pre-emptive ripoff of Toejam and Earl, but less racist. Although if stupid is a race, this game is like affirmative action for it. Whatever.

You run around, and you pick up clocks, though the clocks don't actually add time. They keep your picture of your family from fading out, but that's not the time limit. I mean, it's one of them, but there's another, and the clocks don't help with that one. I don't know. I guess one of the clocks is for Power of Love and the other is for Back in Time or something. Neither of those songs is in the game. I just thought you might enjoy being reminded of Huey Lewis. Gotta git BACK in ti-i-ime! Yeah!

So once you get through 4 levels of PaperBoy, you get to play this game where you throw cake that's really milkshakes at guys who run toward you, and then you lose. The end.

Back to the Future 2 & 3 is one game, and it both sucks. Laura liked this one better. I don't know why. It's a sort of platformer, with the added fun of you have to keep a map and this bird keeps kicking your ass. And it has the DeLorean in it. It drops you off so the bird can kick your ass again -- in the future!!!! Also, there's sort of a Dig Dug thing going on in it that made us insane with rage a few times.

I really couldn't get very far on BttF 2&3, which might be why i hate it, but I don't think so. I mean, I was able to kill stuff, and run around for a while, and i eventually figured out Dig Dug, but then there's this anagram game, and no, I'm totally not shitting you. You have to match the prizes you win playing Dig Dug with mixed up words in these other rooms located at the bottom of Mario pipes, and it's impossible and who cares?

I guess the lesson here is that, starting with E.T. and running right up through Bees: the Game, which I bet exists, if it's about a movie, you shouldn't play it. If you have to, stick to BttF 1, or just get PaperBoy, because throwing papers at that insane old woman who comes after you is more gratifying than throwing bowling balls at hula girls and bees. The end.

Rating: I don't know, 4/10? Not awful, but I'll never play them again.
Advice: Instead of helping your dad meet your mom, press AABBAAstart to turn him gay.
Best Moment: In the manual, it actually says, "Of course, when Biff and his crew grab him or the bees start to attack, you will find yourself losing precious seconds." I read that 100 times, out loud. Laura took the manual from me to make me stop. But I found it later, while we were playing Bad Dudes, and read it to her some more.